I found this little gem and just had to post it here.
A while ago I was looking at configuration stuff for Citrix because somehow the ICA client in the browser stopped passing through my login credentials to the Citrix server. (I didn’t find them by the way.)
During the search did I stumble upon this funny bit which I thought was worth sharing.
I’ve got a production app that runs under Citrix.
Due to various problems, a two-hour batch job that the app runs
has tb initiated manually in the wee hours of the morning instead
of being run by a simple .CMD file that starts the Access app in
a “Overnight Batch” mode.
Problem is that the Citrix admins enforce a 40-or-so-minute
timeout on inactive sessions – and the session performing the
batch job in question looks inactive to Citrix.
So if I VPN/RemoteDesktop in, open up the Citrix-deployed app,
kick off the process and then just go back to sleep; the Citrix
timeout kicks in, the whole session gets flushed, and the batch
job never finishes what it has to do.
Consequently I have to wake up and hit “Enter” every 30 minutes
I was thinking that maybe I could write a little MS Access app tb
run on the same PC than I’m VPN/RemoteDesktopping into that would
just keep looping and send a MouseOver or a KeyDown or something
to the Citrix window in time to avoid the inactivity timeout and
I could go back to getting a decent night’s sleep.
I know from SendKeys(), but don’t have a clue on how to find that
Citrix sesh’s window and push the keystroke or whatever into it.
Can anybody offer up a clue?
A kind person offered a wonderful, technologically approved solution:
There was a hilarious DailyTWF.com posting on this topic. The manager brought in a
electrically operated baby’s rocking chair and put the optical mouse in it. And they
let it run 24×7.
I love being a nitpicker once in a while. It can happen with anything, and yesterday it happened with a song. This is the second song in a short time that made me laugh as there is something in the lyrics that’s just wrong.
Let me start with the first one, a Dutch song. I’ll spare you the whole thing, it’s a song about coffee and how wonderful it is to start the day one. Nothing wrong with that, but one line is as follows: ” I run on it as if it is petrol.”
Suddenly I had this vision of someone drinking a cup of car fuel, and I wondered how well he’d run on that.That was the first one, it hit me about 3 weeks ago.
The other one occurred to me yesterday on the way home. It’s in “Godzilla” by Blue Öyster Cult.
The song is about the monster Godzilla that rampages Tokyo. The line that made me laugh and shake my head was:
“They scream for God as he looks in on them.”
Now, this film plays in Japan, where the main religions are Shinto and Buddhism. Buddhism has no god, Shintoism has a number of them, named the Kami, so Shinto is a multitheistic religion. I suddenly wondered: “which god would the people scream for when facing the danger of Godzilla?” Probably the christian one, as the song is written by an American person. And the main religion in the US of A is, bingo, christianity.
I know, I probably take this too far, but I couldn’t help myself laughing over it. My joys are many, and for many people difficult to follow.
Senior Drivers No Longer Need A Driver’s License
My neighbour was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn. He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.He said with excitement, “You appear quite elderly to be driving.”
“Well, yes, I am,” she replied proudly. “I’ll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don’t even need a driver’s license any more.”
“You don’t need a driver’s license any more?!?”
“That’s right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver’s license. I told him ‘yes’ and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, ‘You won’t need this any more’. So I thanked him and left!”
“Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.”
Allegedly, this is an actual letter sent to the DFAT (Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade) Immigration Minister.
The Government tried desperately to censure the author, but got nowhere because every legal person who read it couldn’t stop laughing!
Dear Mr Minister,
I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.
How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I bought a television set and golf clubs and condoms from them back in 1997, and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date? For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 40 years. It is also on my driver’s licence, on the last eight passports I’ve ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off planes over the past 30 years. It’s also on all those insufferable census forms that I’ve filled out every 5 years since 1966.
Also…. would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Audrey, my father’s name is Jack, and I’d be absolutely f…… astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop dead !!!
SHIT! What do you people do with all this information we keep having to provide?
I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I’m really pissed off this morning. Between you and me, I’ve had enough of all this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f…… address! What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes working there!
And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can’t even grow a beard for God’s sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether or not I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? In the unlikely event, I ever got the urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other side of f…… Sydney, and get another f…… copy of my birth certificate – and to part with another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day? Nooooo. that’d be too f……. easy and makes far too much sense.
You would much prefer to have us running all over the bloody place like chickens with our f…… heads cut off, and then having to find some ‘high-society’ wanker to confirm that it’s really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo… the one where we’re not allowed to smile?….you f…… morons.
Signed – An Irate Australian Citizen..
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in ‘high-society’ to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this country since before 1820!
In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade?) I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something over 30 years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances. I’m also a personal friend of the president of the RSL…Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.
However, your rules require that I have to get someone “important” to verify who I am; you know…someone like my doctor – WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F…… PAKISTAN!….a country where they either assassinate or hang their ex-Prime Ministers – and are suspended from the Commonwealth and United Nations for not having the “right sort of government”. You are all pen-pushing paper-shuffling f…… idiots!
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page
Q3. The river Ravi flows in which state? * liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple? * the other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * it will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * no problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * you will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * no time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? * any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
This person deserves a 100% score!
Signs. We would be lost without them.
On her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet.
Dear Dr. Laura
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.
When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination… End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination – Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan.
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus Dept. of Curriculum,
Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia